Hogwarts' Official Matchmakers
by cofcgirl
Summary: The Gryffindor Seventh Years have decided to add a little happiness to everyone's lives by 'helping' certain couples get together. Their first targets: their own Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Slightly AU.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay, this is only my second fic that doesn't revolve around the Marauders, and my third that isn't slash, so I hope everyone likes this. It is AU in that a certain someone from HBP is not dead. If you've read it, you know who I'm talking about.

Disclaimer: I will say this once and only once. I do not now, nor have I ever, owned Harry Potter.

Chapter One

The First Official Meeting

"Okay, everyone, let's come to order," Parvati said, as she paced around the seventh year boys' dormitory, hitting her hand with her wand for emphasis. She glanced at everyone else, and was irritated to notice that no one seemed to be listening to her. "I said COME TO ORDER, YOU BUNCH OF DIMWITTED NINNIES!"

Everyone was silent for a moment, staring at Parvati in shock. Seamus, who was lying on his bed and trying to Dean off of his feet, was the first to recover, saying, "Did you just call us _ninnies_?"

Parvati turned to glare at the Irishman and said, "Yes. Yes, I did. Now, as I was _trying_ to say, before I was so _rudely_ interrupted by the weakling ninny of an Irishman over there," Parvati used her wand to point accusingly at Seamus before resuming her pacing. "I would like to call to order the first official meeting of Hogwarts' Official Matchmaker's Club-"

She sighed as Neville raised his hand, wanting to ask a question. "Yes, Neville? What is it now?"

Neville looked around at his friends nervously before saying, "Um, how can we be an official club? Have you turned in an application to McGonagall? Because if you haven't, then we can't be Hogwarts' Official Homemaker's Club, now can we?"

Before Parvati could answer, Dean fell off of Seamus' bed in surprise and said indignantly, "Wait, this is a _homemaker's _club! I'm not a _homemaker_!"

"Neither am I!" Ginny piped up from her spot at the foot of Harry's bed. "Parvati, what's this all about?"

"That's what I'd like to know," agreed Lavender, who'd stretched out on Neville's bed and had been trying to discretely smell his pillows for the past five minutes. "You said we had a mission, something earth-shattering to accomplish that could change people's lives!"

"Yeah," Harry said, while trying to keep from staring at Ginny, who'd moved just a tiny bit closer to him. "What kind of earth-shattering, live-changing mission do homemakers have? Not that I want to be a homemaker, mind."

"WE ARE NOT STUPID BLOODY HOMEMAKERS, YOU STUPID BLOODY DIMWITTED NINNIES!" Parvati shouted in irritation. "We are _Matchmakers_, you stupid-"

"Ninnies?" Dean supplied helpfully, when she couldn't seem to find the right word.

"Quiet, you ninny," Parvati said. "Now, as I was _saying, _we are _matchmakers_, not _homemakers_. There is a big difference. And if you will stop interrupting me, I will tell you what our mission is. Got that?" She glared defiantly at her audience, all of whom seemed to be somewhat afraid of her. Good.

When everyone nodded, Parvati continued her course around the room, tapping random objects (and people) with her wand. "Good. Now, I was thinking that in this difficult time, everyone needs as much happiness as they can possibly get. Not to mention that in the long run, no one wants to be lonely. Plus everyone's going to need a partner for the Christmas Ball next month…"

The guys sighed in exasperation as Lavender and Parvati both squealed in anticipation, and even Ginny had a dazed, excited expression on her face at the mention of the upcoming Ball. It had been the talk of the school ever since Dumbledore had announced it the previous week. "Um, Parvati?" Harry said, tentatively reaching out to touch her arm. She jumped in surprise at the contact before shaking herself and returning to the matter at hand.

"Right, thank you Harry," She said before abruptly turning around and continuing to pace in the other direction. "As I was saying, no one wants to be lonely, and everyone wants happiness, so it's going to be our mission to help certain people out in both respects. Now, I was thinking that-"

But she was interrupted once again, this time by Lavender. "Wait, Parv, what do you mean by 'help certain people out'. How are we going to help them?"

"Isn't it obvious, you ninny?" Parvati said, raising her eyebrow imperiously. "We're going to pick out certain couples who aren't, you know, _couples_ yet, and then we're going to help them out. You know, get them together. But only couples who would be absolutely sickeningly perfect together, but are too busy being stupid ninnies to figure it out on their own. Is that clear?"

"Er, yeah," Lavender said dubiously.

"Excellent. Like I was saying, I think our first targets-"

"Wait, targets?" Harry said, raising his eyebrows in confusion. "Why're we calling these poor, er, ninnies targets? And what makes you think we want to be matchmakers?"

"Look, Potter," Parvati snarled, jabbing her wand in Harry's face dangerously. "We are going to be matchmakers, and we are going to _like _it. _Is that clear?_"

"Er. That is to say, um. Yes." Harry said, visibly gulping. Parvati could be quite dangerous when she so chose.

"But why're we calling them targets?" Neville asked daringly.

Parvati glared at him before growling, "Because I said so, you stupid dimwitted ninny. Now as I was _saying_, our first targets should be two people we all know and love, and who, more importantly, are too incredibly stupidly dense to realize that they do, in fact love each other. Not to mention want to shag each other senseless."

"And who might the, um, 'targets' be?" Dean asked as he resumed his seat on Seamus' knees.

Parvati ignored Seamus' indignant response (Gerroff me, you git!). "That is an excellent question, Dean. Our first targets will be Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger – that would, of course be why they're not here."

"Of course," Ginny said, inching just a little bit closer to Harry. "So, um, how exactly are we going to get them together? A love potion?"

The black-haired girl groaned at the absolute ignorance of the people in the room. "Of _course _not, you ninny! For one thing, they already love and desperately want to hump each other. Besides, the only one of us who could possibly brew a love potion is Hermione, and she can't know about this. Even if one of us did manage to successfully brew one, and we gave it to one of them, it still wouldn't work. I mean, one of them would fall in love with one of us, and we don't want one of them to fall in love with one of us, because none of us knows any antidotes for love potions, so we couldn't cure one of them, so one of them would stay in love with one of us, and that just wouldn't work, because none of us is in love with one of them." Parvati said this all very fast.

There was a moment of confused silence, as everyone tried to figure out exactly what Parvati had just said. "Er, right," Ginny stated.

"So," Parvati said. "Any ideas?"

A/N: First, I want to say thank you to my dear friend and roommate Kendall for the inspiration for this fic. I also want to say that you should consider this a promise: If you don't call that boy, I'll do it for you, and you _know _what I'll say to him. So call him. You ninny. Anyway, to everyone else: please review!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long to update, but…well…I've been busy. And I didn't feel like writing anything. Anyway, I think I should say that some of the characters may seem a little out of character, and I'm almost positive that Ron and Hermione wouldn't write these sort of letters to each other, but this is meant to be a funny story – besides, they're not actually writing them. Oh, and in this story, Harry and Ginny did not get together in book 6 – for, er, possible plot purposes. I think I should also note that the contents of this chapter might qualify for an M rating…so I might have to change the story's rating. I'll be sure to let everyone know before I change it, if I do. Sorry if anything I put in here about them bothers anyone…Anyway, thanks to all of my wonderful reviewers, and I hope you continue to enjoy! Oh, yes, and because I also like writing slash, you might see a few hints of it, either in this chapter or later ones...

* * *

Phase One: Letters. 

Chapter Two

"So," Parvati whispered to Harry, taking a seat beside him at the Gryffindor table for breakfast a few days later. "Did you guys finish your – um – project?"

Harry glanced around to make sure that Ron and Hermione weren't paying any attention to him. He sighed in exasperation when he saw that they were arguing about something that was probably pointless yet again. '_That's the third time this morning_. _Either they hate each other's guts, or they get off on making each other angry', _Harry thought in amusement. Judging by the way Ron was shifting his legs, it was probably the latter.

"If you mean the letter, then yeah, we did. Neville nearly had a heart attack when Dean wrote that Ron often dreams of letting Hermione dominate him. And I'm almost certain Seamus went to go wank after we finished it," Harry said with a snort as he reached for his goblet of orange juice.

"Harry!" Parvati said, sounding a bit angry. "You guys were supposed to write a _love _letter! It was supposed to be romantic! No intelligent girl would want a letter from a guy that basically told her he only wanted to shag her senseless! Do you really think Hermione is going to fall for that?"

Harry shrugged and gave Parvati an exasperated look. "Parvati, do _you _really think Ron has a romantic bone in his body? Besides, you gave a bunch of seventeen year old guys, none of whom have ever had a girlfriend for a few weeks the task of writing a love letter for another guy – who, I might add, has only ever had one girlfriend. And no offence, Parvati, but at the time, Lavender was the sort of girl who would've been thrilled to get dirty letters from a guy."

Parvati opened her mouth to defend her friend but stopped, realizing that Harry was right. She sighed. "All right. I suppose you've got a point. We'll just have to see how they react to the letters and go from there."

Ginny joined them a moment later and piled food onto her plate (and 'accidentally' touching Harry's hand when they both reached for a slice of toast), saying, "So what are we talking about?"

"The letters," Harry told her, once again checking to see that Ron and Hermione were still absorbed in each other. Honestly, how they could be so obvious and still not know how the other felt was beyond him.

Ginny's eyes lit up as she glanced at Parvati. "Oh, did she tell you how much fun we had writing 'Hermione's' letter to Ron? Lavender had a ball pretending to be her – she's almost as good at forging signatures and things as Dean, you know, so she had to be the one to actually write it, but we helped. I think it's perfect, although I'm not entirely sure it's something that Hermione would have written."

"Oh really," Harry said in amusement, raising his eyebrows at Parvati. "What did you girls say?"

"Well, I'm not going to tell you everything as I'm sure Ron'll show it to you later," Ginny said, ignoring Parvati's attempts to get her to be quiet. "But my favorite part was when Parvati here suggested we say that Hermione couldn't wait to 'have the flower of her maidenhood pierced by Ron's'- what was it you said, Parvati? Flashing root?"

Parvati sighed, avoiding Harry's eyes and said, "Flaming manroot." (A/N: I stole that from a friend of mine – she knows who she is.)

At that, Harry choked on a piece of bacon. "Parvati! And you were saying that _our _letter wasn't 'romantic'? Look at you!"

"Well, what choice did we have?" Parvati said indignantly. "We were writing a love letter to one of the thickest guys that's ever lived – no offence, Harry, Ginny, but you know it's true. Anyway, we had to get his attention somehow."

Harry's response was cut off by the arrival of the mail. He, Parvati, and Ginny all looked up, searching for the owls carrying their letters. Harry spotted the owl he and Neville had enlisted to deliver their letter to Hermione (Dean and Seamus hadn't come with them after writing it – Seamus had said he needed Dean's help with something.). Harry turned his gaze to the entirely unsuspecting Ron and Hermione (who were _still _fighting – it was getting ridiculous; Harry was surprised Ron hadn't tried to relieve himself – at least, he hoped he hadn't) as the large barn owl dropped a letter on Hermione's plate. Just as the owl took off, an important looking eagle owl dropped the other letter on Ron's plate. Harry glanced at Ginny and Parvati, and was amused to see that they weren't even bothering to hide that they were staring eagerly at their two 'targets'.

* * *

Ron frowned in confusion as he picked up the letter he'd received. He hadn't recognized the owl, but the writing on the envelope looked like Hermione's. Why would she write him a letter, when she saw him every day? Ron glanced at Hermione, about to question her, when he saw that she was utterly absorbed in a letter of her own. Ordinarily, he would have interrupted her, but he decided against it – he didn't want to make her too mad, after all. Instead, he began to read the letter, still wondering why she hadn't just talked to him rather than going to the trouble of writing a letter. 

_My Dearest Ron,_

_You are doubtless wondering why I am sending you this letter, as I'm probably sitting right across from you, and can speak to you whenever I wish to. However, what I am about to tell you is something I have longed to say for many years, but have not had the courage to bring up. It is not something I would normally say in public, and is of a sensitive nature. _

_My darling Ronnie, I desperately need you to make mad, passionate, ecstatic love to me. Preferably as often as possible, and in every position that you could possibly imagine. I have been waiting seventeen years for someone to pierce the flower of my maidenhood with their flaming manroot, and have decided that you are the one I desire. To have you satisfy me in such a manner is something I have long hungered for. I hope I am not being too forward, but my thirst for the fruits of your body has become unbearable. _

_Hopefully, you will quench my thirst, and respond as soon as possible …preferably in private._

_Your loving (and lustful) _

_Hermione_

Ron gaped at the letter in shock. _Hermione_ had written that? He looked across the table, only to see Hermione suddenly grab her books and practically sprint from the table without a word. Ron might have wondered what had her so agitated if his thoughts hadn't been drawn back to his letter. _'Bloody hell…Now I'm definitely going to have to make a stop by the Prefect's bathroom before going to Charms…'_

* * *

A/N: If you're all good little readers, and aren't bothered by the letter, I might consider including Hermione's letter. Either way, there will definitely be more about her and Ron's reactions to the letters in the next chapter. Now, how can I make this plan fail…I'll have to think about that. Anyway, if anyone has any ideas they'd like me to include, just let me know and I'll think about it. And please, positive reviews and constructive criticism only. 


End file.
